Nerd, Geek

Before I start today's blog, I need to make an addendum to my last blog.  If you read the comment, you may be wondering about the comment Darrel left.  If this is the story that I suspect it is, it goes back several years. 
I received a call from a conservatory sales company in the days when I was young and too polite to tell them to piss off straight away.  The chap was not taking no for an answer so I invited him to come round and measure up, quote me and whatever else they do.  When he arrived, he was quite cross with me.  He seemed to think I was wasting his time.  Why would he think that?  I lived in a first floor flat at the time.  I never did get my quote.

The purpose of this blog, however, is to share one of my fears with you.  I fear I may be a nerd.  It may be something genetic or an illness I picked up some time.  Try as I might, my nerdiness seems to surface whatever I do.  I may need help.

Why this dilemma?  As you know, I was made redundant from a proper techy nerd type job and company and vowed never to get back into the IT business.  As a result, I am doing some very non-IT related stuff.  Training as a driving instructor and working for a property landlord.  Doesn't get much less techy, just what I wanted.  However, a couple of weeks ago my boss approached me:

"Russ"
"Yes boss"
"According to your CV you've got a techy background"
"....yes...."
"I want someone to revamp the computer system across the office, bring it all in together.  You interested?"
Tricky one this.  From day one geek in me wanted to get in to the infrastructure, pull it out and rebuild it.  Now it's being offered to me on a plate but I want out of the IT industry.
"I'll give it some thought"

No Russ, you won't give it very much thought will you?  You know full well that you will do it.  And why will you do it?  Is it purely for the money?  Is it because you can't say no to your boss?  Of course not.  It is because somewhere deep inside no matter how hard I try there is a geek, a nerd trying to make himself known.  It is an addiction for which there is no cure.  No NHS quit geeking programme.  If you give up smoking, you can get patches and stuff to help wean you off nicotine.  You can get scripts to help withdrawal from hard drugs but there is no patch that leaks a bit of nerdiness into your blood stream to wean you off computers.
The rational me has had a go at justifying this.  I am not a nerd.  I am not a geek.  Of course, I am just doing someone a favour because I can aren't I?
I have started.  A good friend of mine, Tony is assisting.  I have identified a server and a few other components which are now on order and, do you know what?  I fear I'm quite enjoying it.  In fact, I'm rather looking forward to delivery day, not excited in a Christmas or birthday sort of way you understand.  But I know why I'm enjoying it over previous proper geek jobs.  It is a small company without acres of bullshit, I am, effectively my own boss and the only technical person on site and, to someone totally non-technical, anyone with any level of technical ability is revered as a god.

And that dear reader is the crux of the matter.  Geek to deity in one easy step.

I'll let you know how it goes maybe in this blog.  In the meantime, I'm considering renting myself out as rent-a-geek.

Charges and Chugging

In the comments of my last blog, Rant and I did briefly discuss the pleasures of the automated answering system which I then extended to paying for the pleasure of listening to the sodding thing by being forced to use the 0845 number that the company puts on the bill and correspondence.  You know the sort of thing:

"Thank you for phoning Faceless Insurance PLC.  Please listen to the following 97 options to choose the correct one.  It is important that you listen to every option as we will not make it possible for you to select the option you require until we have read v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y through every possible option and permutation of possible options from which you may, or may not, want to select.  Do not worry, you are only going to be paying 25p per second for this call and it will not last more than 2 hours.  Oh, and if you want to talk to a real person, then that really is tough shit.  Your call is very important to us."  Select option and wait 3 weeks for a response; all the time, of course, paying for the privilege.

These get up my nose for so many reasons.  I am not a kid, I have been brought up talking to people and aware that communication can be done direct with real people and talking unlike the majority of teenagers and the like that consider Microsoft messenger adorned with those bloody silly little faces and non words (lol) as conversation.  Apart from that, at their conception, 0845 numbers weren't such a bad thing.  Telephone call charging was dependant on whereabouts in the country you were calling, there was no such thing as a plan that included all your calls and 0845 was, I believe, charged at a flat local rate.  No more.   No, they will charge what they like and they can't be included in your phone any landline plan on a conventional or mobile that I am aware of.  However, there is some respite.  Public service that I am, if you are faced with an 0845, 0870 etc number, there is often a normal geographical number for it as well.  You could do worse than looking here.  You probably won't find your favourite purvy call line on there though.

One money making scheme I find even more irritating, however, are the people who stop you on the street to ask for money.  I don't mean real beggars I mean the plethora of charities and utilities companies that harangue you as you walk down the street and try to persuade you to sign up.  You can change your mind within 28 days, if you wish to do so, here is an 0845 number to ring to inform us.  Possibly one of the benefits of no longer working in Cheltenham is that I don't run the gauntlet at lunch time if I walk into town.  Cheltenham High Street must be the worst place in the world for these people.  You start of politely "No thank you" or "Sorry, don't have time".  After an hour of this and about 50 people approaching you, it gradually deteriorates into "Fuck off before I rip your arms off and shove your sodding clipboard where it will never be seen again".  Have you ever been chased by one?  I have.  Inside Regent Arcade, someone selling gas and electric:

"Excuse me sir"
"Sorry not interested" - I carry on walking, salesman follows.
"How do you know, you haven't heard what I am offering"
Still walking - "Nor do I care"
"But I could save you money on your bills".  I have increased my walking pace, the chap is almost jogging.
"Don't care, happy with my current supplier"  Still walking, he is still at my heels.
"Even if I could save you 10%?"
Stop.  "I'd rather pay an extra 100% than buy my sodding electric off a company that employs people like you"

But still, my all time favourite.  Animal lovers look away.  The anti-vivisectionists were out on force, armed with clipboards for petitions and shaky collection tins:
"Excuse me sir, could you sign our petition against animal testing and would you consider a small donation to help"
"No"
"Are you aware of the suffering animals are put through in the sake of research?"
"Yes, pretty much.  And if a few rats or whatever suffer and die so we can find a cure for life-threatening illnesses in humans I'm all for it"
"But even if you agree with that, innocent animals are suffering  for the sake of beauty products"
"Yes and better some rabbits eyes sting than mine or my daughter's when we wash our hair."

They do give up on you eventually.  Tina now bans me from talking to any chuggers and the like now.

New NHS Hotline

Two blogs in one day, I spoil you.  Although the first blog today was of course Russ on a Bike.  Before I start today's blog, firstly let me tell you about a road sign I came across today.  It read "Caution: Mud on road".  Now I'm no expert but we were awfully near a farm and mud, in my experience, doesn't smell like that.

But the real reason for this here blog is that I was looking through some old documents and stuff on my PC and, whilst plagiarism isn't really my style, I read this, nearly wet myself laughing, then nearly keeled over, then nearly wet myself again.  Now, I know mental health is a serious disorder and we mustn't mock the afflicted therefore I am mearly passing this on as an example of things I don't approve of:

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

- If you are a blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Are you taking the pith?

To start my most recent blog, I would like to set my vast readership (Ian, Darrel), a challenge.  Can you peel an orange in one go?  I only ask because I can.  Well sometimes.  That and writing this post gives me an excuse to gratuitously use the word 'pith' which, of course, has it's own comedy value; but only if you are immature enough.  I enjoy the occasional orange particularly in my lunch box at work if for no other reason than any colleague that may not be in the office when I peel will inevitably ask "Have you been eating oranges?".   The smell will linger for hours if not days after enjoying the fruity Vitamin C laden treat.
However, my method of peeling the other day was called into question.   I don't know how you do it but I find a good way of loosening the peel from the fruit is to roll it on the desk first, thus separating the bit you eat and the bit you don't, get it right and the pith also comes away from the fruit and that's a good thing.  The pith, so far as I can see is pointless, you can't use it for zesting and you don't want to eat it as part of the flesh.  So, if you will take my advice, next time you eat an orange, give it a roll first.

So to the snow.  I have been trying to avoid blogging about this so far because everybody else already has and what else can I add?  Well, here's one thing, I'm quite proud of this here panorama of Gloucester from a jolly chilly top of Robinswood hill.

I strongly expect you are expecting me to waffle on for hours on end now about sledging and snowball fights with the kids.  Well I'm not.  Although we did take a trip up Robinswood Hill, leaving a poorly mummy wrapped up in bed, armed with some equipment not designed for sledging and that would have the Health and Safety Executive trembling with fear with; all the expected results except no trip to A&E.

Another thing you're probably expecting is for me to have a grump about the snow, well I'm going to disappoint you again.  I like the snow, it makes me happy.  However, I won't stop anyone else being grumpy and if you want some topics to get your grumpfest going, may I suggest:

1.  Other drivers.  Not me or you obviously, just everybody else either driving like a lunatic or at 6.3 mph on well gritted, clear roads with a little slush in the gutter.
2.  "Cold enough?", "Slippy enough?" etc.
3.  Local press.  The Citizen (that's the Gloucester local if you don't know) has turned over at least 99.8% of the paper to covering the snow.  Surely there's other news?  Damned lazy hacks.  Still, at least it has given us a rest from reading about the 2007 floods.
4.  Flood threats - Panic, quick phone the press, when this lot melts we're going to flood for sure.
5.  Schools/businesses closed.  I don't know or care if I have an opinion on these closures but it is a good topic for a seasoned grumpy.  When has a legitimate opinion made a difference?

Facebook group to scrap pointless groups?

Every now and then something will get up my nose and I just have to vent.  I'm not talking about sneezing because of dust or pepper now (although I did sneeze so hard on Monday I pulled a muscle in my chest and it hurt until Wednesday), I'm talking about those things that most people either don't notice or are capable of ignoring.  So what has got Russ grumpy today?

As I have previously moaned, the majority of the groups and stuff are about as pointless as Percy Pointless from Pointlessville who has broken the point off his pencil.  However, if you are one of the people that perpetrates this level of pointlessness, for the love of God and all that is holy get your spelling right.  Use a spell checker  or a dictionary.  I appreciate that we all make spelling mistakes (some people even make up whole words) but do you group makers not realise that by its very nature these groups may be viewed by tens of thousands of people worldwide whereas the spelling mistakes in my blog are read by about three people.  It makes you look really quite dense.  Even if I liked these groups I could not subscribe to something so blatantly wrong.

Here are some examples that recently popped up on my Facebook that other people had joined (spellings corrected in brackets):

'Morning glorys are embarrseing (embarrassing) when cuddling a girl after a nice night ;)' - The ;) is part of the group name; if you have any idea what it is, please use the comments thingy to enlighten me.

'Join this group and we could be in guiness (Guinness) world record 10,000,000 members'. - Guinness is a proper noun so needs a big G at the front as well as spelling.  And I don't expect the Guinness book of records would print all 10 million names anyway.

'THE OLD WINDMILL STAFF,REGULARS &COSTOMERS (customers)' - and please don't shout.

Another thing is the groups that make completely unsubstantiated claims.
Unless the group was created by the writers of Gavin and Stacey, then 'If 3 million people join gavin and stacey will do another series' probably makes promises it can't keep.
Similarly, 'If this gets 100,000 members then facebook will have themes' probably not sanctioned by Facebook (and I don't even understand what it means).
Did Cadbury really promise this? 'If we get more then 100000 members wispa will make there price to 30p'

Or maybe I'm missing some magic link.  I may start a group 'If three members join then my bank will deposit 1 million pounds into my account'.  Or 'If my blog has more than three readers I will be surprised'.

Do you have crabbies?

I like beer.
I also like ginger beer (even ignoring the obvious connotations).
An obvious product of these two facts was to try the advertised Crabbie's alcoholic ginger beer.  I decided to put this plan into action on a recent shopping trip to Sainsburys and celebrate the final weekend before returning to the metaphorical grindstone.  It made sense to me that such a delicacy would be for sale in the beer aisle.  After several minutes scanning the bottles, a young lady assistant approached:

"Can I help sir?"
"Possibly, do you have Crabbie's"

This could have gone one of two ways, I'm sure you understand.  Fortunately, I came out of the situation unscathed and was guided to the cider aisle, I'm sure that made sense to someone where I made a purchase of one bottle.  Why just the one?  Several reasons, partly because if it is skank I haven't lost much, partly because those who know me or indeed read one of my previous blogs will know that Russ and drinking don't go together well but also because I am as tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm.  If you are interested, assuming you enjoy beer and ginger (d'uh), I must report that this was indeed a fine drink.

So, the celebration marks the end of Christmas and new year celebrations, for our household at least.  How was Christmas for you?  I enjoyed it very much, thanks for asking.  A few highlights.  Firstly, to open the Christmas celebrations for 2009, we all got absolutely soaked watching Father Christmas turn on the light, yes singular, we only saw one work immediately, in Gloucester City centre.  Then there was much excitement Christmas morning, excitement with the realisation that Father Christmas had been and emptied his sack all over our living room - the kids were quite happy as well.



Another highlight is, of course, the time spent with family and friends.  Christmas day was spent at my brother and his wife's house where Sharon laid on an excellent dinner and Darrel provided the musical entertainment by demonstrating his prowess as a rock queen.  Invitations to other family and friends houses, notably my mum's and Wendy's over the next couple of days ensured that not only did we enjoy good company but also vast amounts of food was consumed and, even better, we didn't have to cook any of it.  Now, if you are anything like me and eat everything in sight before a busy day doing stuff all, you might have put on a couple of pounds, or possibly stone.  Now, I'm guessing that my readership doesn't qualify as one of the beautiful people of the internet but if you are then having to cut back for a while and get off your lazy arse may be the least of your worries.  You may find yourself being visited by the fat police and being excommunicated and deemed too fat to find your true love.  Harsh.