Sunday, 17 January 2010

New NHS Hotline

Two blogs in one day, I spoil you.  Although the first blog today was of course Russ on a Bike.  Before I start today's blog, firstly let me tell you about a road sign I came across today.  It read "Caution: Mud on road".  Now I'm no expert but we were awfully near a farm and mud, in my experience, doesn't smell like that.

But the real reason for this here blog is that I was looking through some old documents and stuff on my PC and, whilst plagiarism isn't really my style, I read this, nearly wet myself laughing, then nearly keeled over, then nearly wet myself again.  Now, I know mental health is a serious disorder and we mustn't mock the afflicted therefore I am mearly passing this on as an example of things I don't approve of:

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

- If you are a blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.


  1. I love (no I mean hate) the new style of automated message, where they talk to you like an old friend:
    'Hi, thanks for calling. If you want to speak to an advisor, why not press one? You want to arrange a visit, well press two. You want to set up a direct debit? Great. Press three. You need a cuddle, you big bear? Press four.'

  2. Indeed Mr Rant. Not only does this give me a giggle in it's own right, it does cock a snoop at the automated answering services, although one of my gripes is that they give you a premium or 0845 number and keep you hanging on for about half an hour before you know which option to press. If I were the sort of person to moan, I would probably get that into a blog.

  3. What narks me is when the machine asks you a series of questions, then informs you in it's ever so friendly voice, that they have your details to hand. Then you get to speak to a human (of sorts) and they ask you all the same questions. All at a premium rate charge. Luckily I'm not the sort to moan, as you can tell from my blog!